We were there on Saturday. she's gone from distracted and confused to asleep - basically not there.
I am relieved she was so much herself at thanksgiving
I am glad I went this weekend. I sat with her for a while, telling her stories and dreams and private things.
The conversations are less and less to her, and more about her. A kind of rolling, drawn out wake.
The Hospice people do things most people I know cannot do. I hope they have people to do for them what they do for others.
As I said before, my favorite sister-in-law is dying of cancer. I seem to be filling pages (and pages and PAGES) of sketchbooks and notebooks with impassioned poetry that all boils down to "don't die" along with various more or less grim observations of outliving people. I had started posting them, and realized they are just FINE locked up in disastrous handwriting on my various pieces of paper. (As a side note, I started writing with my non-dominant hand because it slowed the process down. Also it rendered the writing more nearly illegible, which is fine because I do not think I want to ever read this again.)
Thank you for your sympathy, and kindness. Distraction is welcome. Tell me something good.
Rosencrantz and Guildenstern happened, including a Saturday Matinee with more people in the cast than the audience and a rip-roaring finish Saturday night, followed by STRIKE where all the people who want to help try to grab the screw guns (drills? with bits?) and start unscrewing things, and then stuff gets hefted down to the scene shop and a lot went out to the loading dock and the rest went into a truck to get transported back across the river to the barn it was stored in.
We finished at midnight on Saturday. I got home - and couldn't fall asleep. Sometime around 1:30 I finally just held still and bored myself to sleep. What was weird was waking up at a nearly normal time on Sunday, and having some coffee, and then crawling back into bed and not waking up until well after noon. Apparently all kinds of things had happened, and I'd slept through all of it. I felt like I'd been hit all over with hammers.
I'm relieved to feel better today. I even managed a riding lesson, mostly at the walk. Followed by epic thwartation: no truck to rent to shift scenery, no crew to shift scenery, tried renting a truck at a different place, discovered my license had expired, and finally realized we should just call it quits for the day, I was doomed.
tomorrow more kids should have recovered from the show and be back in school, more kids will have taken the tests that are looming over them today, and I will have renewed my license and have rented a truck in a timely fashion.
so, my favorite sister-in-law is dying of cancer, and I am working on sedating myself with the remarkably tasty cider donuts for sale down the road from her kids' houses where she is staying. Yesterday Alice and I went to a) see my mother, b) pick up artwork from the show and c) swing past the sister-in-law in question and give her a hug and then d) bolt home in time to finish homework and and prepare the stage and theater for tech week (starting today) and hoping to iron the wrinkles out of the freaking enormous and unwieldy set before production week next week.
I actually accomplished the driving pretty gracefully. We accomplished the visit with grace and style and affection. I didn't weep in the car. I didn't weep last night (too tired, I think). I was just cold this morning.
I had a dentist appt this morning. The lead apron for xrays was so comforting I asked for a blanket when it went away (I hate the xrays because the CCD I am biting [OK, this IS the future, I am biting a CCD] is too big for my mouth and it both stabs me and makes me gag) and when the (extremely kind - have I said I love my dentist and my hygienist, and the office staff and EVERYONE there?) hygienist came back I was weeping. And she hugged me, and we commiserated, and I was still dripping gently but feeling heard, and comforted.
I'm home briefly. I should be doing a bunch of other things, like making art, or working on crowns for the show or I do not even know what right now. Instead I am settling down with the tablet and some Jenny Crusie books and another donut. And I am turning up the heat.
- Mood:sad and cold, and sad
oh hai LJ. I missed reading about my friends. I am feeling grumpy about having to write anything. Clearly FB has bled some of the pressure off the urge to write about... anything?
We're putting on Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead which is one of my favoritest plays EVAR, which is fun. Also deranged. Stv is directing, partly producing, meddling in everyone's departments and demanding prototypes of everything so he can make "informed decisions" which actually means he can't imagine clearly enough what he wants or where he's headed and thus is doing all the dithering and I now have ANOTHER t-shirt to add to the sequence (all riffing on Clark's Law):
Any sufficiently advanced form of overcommitment is indistinguishable from disorganization.
Any sufficiently advanced form of disorganization is indistinguishable from incompetence.
Any sufficiently advanced form of incompetence is indistinguishable from malice.
it has helped clarify many of the issues I'm having with Stv.
I'be been trying to ride m/w/f, with random weekend days for fun, but failing. Kaboose and I are doing well, I think, We are not going backwards, at least; not losing ground and reverting to older and badder habits. We have substantially improved lengthenings which feels awesome. Leonor asked if a really fabulous rider sat on Kaboose, what could she do, and I thought maybe someone with more riding chops could get high 1st level, low 2nd level work out of her. On a horse that knows what he's doing, I seem to be in a similar place, so I guess we're working together towards the next level.
Yesterday had a looong trail ride with Bob on Penny and me on Kaboose. We went north and up the powerlines, then down and then a lot more up and down. At the edges of the valley there are no level patches. It is a lot like Vermont that way. Also beautiful. It is the very tail end of summer; still summer green, cool enough that the bugs weren't out until most of the way home gain, warm enough that we didn't need mittens, breezy enough that no one was sweaty when we got back.
After that Alice and I wnet to the HS to help clean all the stage lights. I took took the shop vac and went over both sides of all three electrics, removing what seemed like a couple years of dust. I was sweaty, and coated in dust and horse flavors. And then we had to winch them back up again, which made everyone sweaty and panting.
Today was helping at Xenophon with the dressage schooling show. There was one woman riding a fabulous dark gray - they got an 80 on their first test, and then he behaved badly for the second, bringing them down to a 69. Friends rode and did well, nice people came to talk, it was all lovely, and it didn't rain. I did get to see more misbehaving ponies than any previous show. A 2nd level who wanted to be bad, but was working too hard except for the walk part where he pitched a series of small fits and was talked out of it by his rider, a lovely creature that took the lengthening at the canter to mean "RUN AWAY" and was thinking about jumping into the judges booth before they made the turn and pulled themselves together, another who stopped and then backed out of the ring, but kept kicking the fence along so he wasn't technically "out of the ring" and therefore not disqualified. I was impressed by how unfussed the riders were over these things. I would have been much more unhappy. Because I am old, or a wuss, or something.
Either I am riding in the next show, or Bob and I are going to the beach. So. Not helping again this year.
I very much approve of this half-assed going away to college thing Aerin is doing.
She'd forgotten her phone charger, and while her room mate's charger was working it seemed like a nice thing to get it over to her. So I texted her on my way home from riding (a long walk in a short woods - we had to double back, and the mare spent an inordinate amount of time trying to strip leaves from a half a small tree she'd captured, but cool and breezy and blissfully bug free) and apparently woke her up. So I drove over, and she stumped out of her (verra new, verra fancy dorm) barefoot and sleepy (at 11!! clearly good time management on the part of the girl who hates mornings) and visited through the car window for half an hour. We talked about glasses, and history and her professor who claims to have fallen up or down all the stairs on campus, and whether she can or should skip Geology 101 because her mother was a geology major and her bedtime stories featured things like tiktalik and apatosaurs and how to tell clams from brachiopods (plane of commisure[opening] VS plane of symmetry). She was floppy and affectionate, and the wind blew her hair around in a very picturesque fashion, and I am SO fond of her.
In other news, I seem to be able to do 2.5 things, where the .5 is sitting down, and the two are shopping/exercise/horse-pick-two. I am, clearly, a wimp.
weird dream - after a long sticky time falling asleep, and being woken up by aches and pains and thunderstorms, was dreaming about taking a bunch of horses and kids to Pony Club camp. It was supposed to be a lot of riding and horses without other interruptions, and instead it was nothing but interruptions, including ferries, and forest fires and various alrums and excursions. I had finally managed a time for riding in a lesson, and the lesson turned out to be sewing instead of riding. At which point I woke up.
I've been fussing about priorities all summer. I think my brain wants me to re-prioritize riding. Over sewing? which is also an answer.
(There are moments I feel like a series of indicator lights and dials would make my life SO MUCH easier.)
don't want to ride
don't want to write
don't want to work
don't wanna, don't wanna, don't wanna
I am hoping some tiny bit of motivation returns by the time school starts, because I have been sitting and knitting for a while now