while on the one hand I hate many fewer things today, and beside the point but probably relatedly I had an AWESOME lesson on the kind gray horse, I am also close to tears for no good reason and have been encouraged to give up riding the red horse; interestingly J's stance was that she's not teaching me enough, and not entirely capable of doing what I want (first level/second level dressage), not that she's going to kill me
I have groceries for a visit from the Maine contingent (large brother, bestest sister-in-law, totally adorable if slightly frenetic nephew, plus a pair of pugs) as well as an array of fancy chocolate and a full basket of non-food easter things for the boy, in deference to his mother's views on sugar which I do not share but can certainly be kind regarding
at the moment, I hate everything
house, oh yes
the work I've done, definitely
the work I haven't done - not done for a reason
choices for lunch... you can see where this is going
things I am doing
- riding, no matter how spooked I am, for 10 minutes
- delivering random stuff out of the back of my car, getting
- basic parenting and feeding people
- worming the horse, because part of the reason she was not holding weight was (duh!) worms, which we are now fixing
- watching a lot of Leverage (which I admit is making me absurdly happy)
things I am not doing
- riding well or with courage, or at speed (god, trotting is terrifying, and cantering is astoundingly fast, and she is so STICKY that I worry about pushing her forward and getting bucks or bolting instead)
- actually raking the crap out of my car, which is overflowing
- laundry, or folding or putting away
- daily project/book thing
- clearing out the studio so I can walk into it and work
- finding someone at UMass for my dad to work for
- reading anything on paper
In some way I feel I'm still recovering from the musical, but really? I should totally be doing stuff better by now.
The riding is particularly frustrating. Horse is getting ring sour and balky in a way that feels like a precursor to me getting dumped again. I dread riding, but I keep going to the barn and going through a process. I lunge her, walk trot and canter both directions, before or after tacking up. I want to make sure she's moving freely, has had the time to frolic briefly (because turnout is that hideous combo of ice and mud) and is back to paying attention to me. I get on, and we walk, a lot. Lateral work at the walk, straight work at the walk, long rein, short rein, transitions within the gait. At some point it becomes clear to me that I whould stop while the stopping is good, or get moving. So we trot. She starts tight, crabbed, sticky and vertical, with her ears pinned back. Which might be me, and might be her or (most likely) some horrible intersection of both our neuroses.
If I freak out, I get off. If I feel stupid enough about getting off, I walk a little and get back on again. That's been interesting, and has actually helped me reset myself out of a worry spiral. walking around sticking her nose on things is also reassuring to her, I think. She spent a looong time going over the tractor, salt spreader and bags of salt (whatever it is that hydrates the ring in winter) and cavaletti blocks in the corner, and was better past them after we'd done that. I'm unspeakably relieved the snow is done roaring off the roof.
so. Sets, I design them sometimes. I designed sets for the Music Man, it happened last weekend, completely consuming the two weeks prior.
I've realized I'm not actually a theater geek. I have very narrow tastes in plays, and I don't take a lot of pleasure in the process of rehearsing a play. BUT - I like building big things, and having them be USED and SEEN. And then I love love love strike, wherein we reduce the set to its component parts to be used for the next thing. I think I am an artist who likes to work BIG. I'm running with that description for the moment.
Lesson yesterday was good. I hate how it takes me most of a couple months to get confident again, and I hate having wibbly moments where really all I want to do is GET THE FUCK OFF. So when I stay on and things go well, it is reassuring.
And then, in a frenzy of experience gathering, the family is headed to NYC today (in two batches) to see Mathilda the musical, with music by Tim Minchin. Honestly. Roald Dahl and Tim Minchin. Things do not get better.
rode the red horse
experimented with longlining the red horse
spent several quality hours 24' above the stage tying knots
spent several more hours retying knots (see above)
bought gallons of coffee and dozens of donuts to keep techies going
- train benches
- tree (on fabric)
- fake books
- town statue
- POOL TABLE on plywood
bought cheap flashlights
more painting, I can't even remember
mashed my nose with the back hatch of my car (stood too close - really
completely coated my hands with elmers glue in the creation of a bust for the statue
fixed wheels on the statue
been grateful that my techs are generally cheerful, kind and competent (apparently what I've been selecting for)
also grateful for techs being LOW DRAMA (the actors are....intense)
completely exhausted 4 gold sharpies on detailing things (those things are GREAT!)
aaand the show opens tonight
if tradition holds and a good opening night depends on a catastrophic dress rehearsal, then we will ROCK, because last night - wow it was awful.
Just from curiousity, are there ANY shows that are not racist, sexist, non-consensual, and problematic on so many axes?? Because holy fuck but Music Man hits a lot of buttons for me. between the WawTawNee girls, and the stalking and kissing and slut shaming in Shipoopi (what kind of a name is that anyhow?) it is making me cringe constantly.
I can mostly breathe again - the cold is receeding and the phlegm with it
I can walk better, and the more I walk the better my back feels
chiropractic might work after all? It feels better than nothing
I can sit in the car to get to the barn
I can lunge the red horse again
I have an appointment with the orthopedist Tuesday
I missed out on a trip to Miami with Al's company because I couldn't sit and couldn't breathe.
I managed to get a new helmet, with room for the pigtail, and a protective vest because panic
the tack/feed/everything horse store is restorative, even if I have to drive for a while to get there
things my body is doing right, that are pissing me off anyhow:
- ridding me of viruses, and not letting me die
- mending bones I broke from carelessness
- mending muscles i banged up at the same time
- ridding me of bacteria (probably) and still keeping me from dying
the phlegm, pain and muscle spasms are side effects of my body doing the right, difficult things. I should cut it some slack.
I am so fucking sick of this month. It hasn't been one thing after another, it has been two or three things together, followed by a couple more things all together.
At the moment I am still broken in the ankle and splinting it when vertical. One hip hurts when I sit, the other hurts when I stand, and I can't sit in my car for more than 5 minutes or roughly the time it takes to transport Alice to school or back, AND I am still in possession of a streaming head cold. I have gone through two boxes of the nice tissues, with stuff on, the outside of my nose is raw, and even the inside of my nose feels chapped.
I haven't ridden since I fell the last week in Jan. I haven't touched the horse since Wed or Thursday last week (I've lost track) because I've been home and ill and broken.
The musical is headed down to the wire, two weeks and two days to opening. That has all the usual chaos associated with it, but has also been marked by low drama which is better than last year.
Because I have been immobilized on the couch I have been watching Leverage, which is a mad romp and is making me laugh. Which is a bright spot. Also I think I can stand up/perch on the stool in my work room, so I have no excuse to not sew, except the piece I've been working on is eating needles (up to 10 so far, usually it is zero or three. it might be lack of practice, or it just might be a really gnarly piece of work).
argh, cough, gurgle
Alice slept all day yesterday, on and off, like a cat on the couch, improving enough in the afternoon to watch Mulan and rather a lot of Little Bear
The orthopedist told me several things: arthro means joints, at which point we had a spirited misunderstanding about arthropods and orthopods, and I must remember to sing him the arthropod song* next time, I did in fact, break but not displace the tip end of the tibia, as he can tell by pushing "OUCH" there, he does not recommend a cast, but does recommend staying off the horse that tossed me, and he was interested turning the heel on socks. so, no biting.
last night so so weird for sleeping I feel like I should mention it because wow - if I sleep for 20 out of 24 hours one day, the next day I have no freaking clue when to go to bed. I finally was horizontal at midnight, and not asleep until after 1. and woke up at 4 with nightmares, and read a while until the snow finally started and went back to sleep and woke at 10 to a snow day.
how I love snow days. I love not having to wake up, and the quiet, and all that snow, and people not fussing to get anywhere, and things being so peaceful. I love having the kids (now singular) with no structure to the day. I feel kind of bad reading the people who do not love this so much on facebook, but I love it a lot, and I do not feel bad about loving it. just sad they're less pleased with this thing the weather does here.
* to the tune of Head, Shoulders, Knees and Toes, sing:
head, thorax, abdomen (squeaky voice) jointed legs!
head, thorax, abdomen (squeaky voice) jointed legs!
aaand eyes and antenna, and exoskeleton
head, thorax, abdomen (squeaky voice) jointed legs!!
Sunday night - relapse, with bonus puking, to the extent that
Monday I couldn't wake up and get Alice to school, or eat anything. Mostly slept all day. and then
Monday night Alice was up and puking, and Al was relapsing and they were keeping each other company in their misery.
Tuesday Alice is curled up on the couch napping and waking, sipping water and crunching sugar lumps (they are hard to throw up, and provide microscopic amounts of calories to function)
Today I have already had my breasts x-rayed for the standard annual mammo. They are nice enough on the inside, but not as pretty as the bones in my ankle and pelvis. More like the America at night satellite picture.
The orthopedist is this afternoon, where-in he shall say (this is an educated guess) "humph. Well, if you can stand on it without pain, you're probably fine, maybe someone was too quick to read this x-ray." I will report back if it any different, and I'll bite him if he straps me into a cast, because it feels a lot better now. Grrrrr.